John (61/261)

John goes to Sears’ portrait studio every month and has the staff indulge in some creative photography. His latest portrait, inspired by Anne Geddes, shows John’s face peering from the centre of a white lily, while the rest of him squats among the lily pads.

Victims of a dating service run by a women with an odd sense of humour, or a brain tumour (60/261)

Flat-chested dark-haired Mary answered the door. The man took one look, said “uh-uh”, and walked away. Mary ran after him, demanding an explanation. He had requested a buxom blonde. The previous week Mary, expecting a non-denominational Anglo-Saxon, had been set up with an East Indian Muslim.

Marion (59/261)

In the antique store Marion was trying on a Russian looking hat, admiring the way it brought out her Slavic cheekbones. The shopkeeper, meanwhile, appeared to have inhaled some nitrous oxide. She wondered why, until she looked down and noticed the “Ukranian tea cozies” sign.

Ok (58/261)

Ok’s mother died when she was 14, leaving her to care for 3 younger siblings and an abusive father. Despite this less-than-fertile environment, Ok created a bountiful life for herself. Her name is self-prophesying; no matter what happens, I know she’ll always be OK.

Brenda (57/261)

Brenda’s physics doppelganger is the atom: she’s tiny and normally goes about her business quietly but efficiently, yet she also contains the potential to produce an energetic explosion of unprecedented magnitude. Fortunately it gets harnessed for good causes, like staging elaborate weekend retreats for friends.

Various people who have been cured in strange ways (56/261)

They used to cure syphilis with malaria. Chris’ allergies vanished after open-heart surgery. Heather’s sister’s stinky feet were transformed into heavenly smelling soles after she gave birth. Pregnancy also cured Moira’s pernicious petiteness. Move over Lourdes: religion doesn’t have a monopoly on inexplicable cures.

Arwin (55/261)

Arwin makes her daily rounds to visit the neighbourhood cats. This morning she is pulling a wagon behind her, which has been transformed into a garden gnome’s chariot. She introduces him to the cats, but they find him a bit too standoffish for their liking.

Janet (54/261)

Janet has to take self-defense lessons before starting work at the library. “Why? Do people get violent when a book they’ve borrowed is overdue?” Apparently they do; one man, when told he owed a fine, jumped over the counter and tried to kill the messenger.

The Neighbour's Sex Trailer (53/261)

At 3 am the sounds of “I can’t get no satisfaction” and giggling would waft from the neighbour’s overpopulated sex trailer. I constantly complained about lack of sleep, but the day the sex trailer was towed away I mourned the loss of a neighbourhood landmark.

Cousin (52/261)

I remember
your long beautiful hair
I would have killed for –
a brown velvet curtain
drawn, blocking visions
of other lovers dying to run
their fingers through that hair;
then parted, too late
to save your family from
a half-life-or-death decision
that ended in so much
dying.

Terry (51/261)

We always said your theme song should have been “You’re so lucky.” But then your DNA staged a coup and overthrew your luck. You accepted defeat with grace, and I wonder now if it was that grace that lent the appearance of a charmed life.

All's well that ends well: Part 2 (50/261)

Bill once told me that Alice was his soulmate, a temporary designation. When they moved to California he launched a new career and an affair, while his marriage crashed and burned. Alicia eventually exchanged vows with her new soulmate, while the Pacific roared its approval.

All's well that ends well: Part 1 (49/261)

He stood on the doorstep. “Can you believe this?!” he exclaimed. “Believe what?” That was when Mike realized that Wanda didn’t know that her husband was having an affair with Mike’s wife. With so much in common, Mike and Wanda are now happily married.