Alex

Alex probably aced the “pacify-the-pugilist” exam for call centre employees. I’m sure he’s thinking “what a bitch” as I start throwing jabs about the Everestian incompetence of their billing department, but his voice never loses its soothing tone and my anger, lacking a sparring partner, concedes defeat.

The magnificent seven

The party slowly separates into audience and performers. Using mandolin, guitars, harmonica, didgeridoo, jembe, they play John Prine, Fred Eaglesmith, Neil Young. The local librarian’s voice alone would cause countless banditos to renounce violence. A small group still remains at 3 am, marveling at this undiscovered talent.

Prince Charmings

Five Prince Charmings, but they don’t recycle. With 9 bags of garbage – only 2 of which will be picked up – at night they distribute the remaining 7 amongst their neighbours. I wish someone’s kiss would turn them back into frogs; at least they’d be more green.

Alistair

Wearing white shirt and gray pants, he pretended to be a pilot. He was only 19 but they were young too, so he had a high success rate. Maybe it’s not so unrealistic: if the policeman the other day had been driving his own car, the cops would probably have stopped him for being underage.

Alicia

Dr. King is describing a research study. Alicia forcefully declares “That’s b.s.”. Dr. King looks taken aback, asks her why she thinks what he’s saying is b.s.
Afterwards we realize that she was actually pointing out an example of epidemiological bias in her lovely Spanish accent.

Deloney

They're clucking over him anxiously, and hopefully they'll persuade him to describe that encounter with the double-edged sword of Tequila/Tallulah; predictably it went straight for the jugular, but nicked his larynx instead, severing all speech. But I’m hoping the pen will prove mightier than the sword…

John

John--who has recently moved to the area--tends to lurk around places where children congregate, mingling with and chatting up the little kids. He’s not some sort of deviant; he’s trying to set up his two year old daughter with some nice boys and girls.

Jay

Jay regrets having eaten dinner, saying that it impacted negatively on his meditation. He’d be happy not eating after noon. I’m more with Virginia Woolf on this one: “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, (or meditate well) if one has not dined well. “

Nude hiker

Picture a man approaching you on the trail who is wearing nothing but knee socks and hiking boots… I have nothing against male nudity, but I feel it should be an all or nothing undertaking. Would David with socks still be a masterpiece, or campy sculpture?

Lloyd

A piece on the CBC about cluttering up your desk with inactive bananas got me thinking about Lloyd, who, living room filled with newspapers, could have used a militant declutterer. He invited us to sit down. But where? Atop a leaning tower of The Auckland Times?

Confused woman with a yeast infection

The woman starts describing her yeast infection. This is somewhat confusing, as I dispense stamps, not medical advice. (I should have asked “Would you like it mailed somewhere ma’am?”) I finally realize that she thinks I’m the nurse, who works out of the adjacent office.

Jim

When asked by the Cardinal why he converted to Catholicism, Jim upholds the eighth commandment: “to increase my chances of getting a job.” Apparently, Catholic school boards in Ontario can reject non-Catholic applicants for teaching positions. Maybe this isn’t a sin, but doesn’t it violate the Constitution?

Janet, Tami and Me

I found some old tapes the other night - Pat Benatar’s Painted Desert, Cold Chisel’s Flame Trees – and I’m transported back 20 years to part of our Dreamtime, the three of us racing through the Australian outback, our futures as vast as the lands surrounding Uluru.

Age(less?)

They’re the same chronological age, but she’s so much older. She pores over her accounts and frets about the state of the cats’ litterboxes; he takes off for 6 months at a time, backpacks and stays in youth hostels, or if they’re full, sleeps under bridges.