Jane

Interior decorator was an interesting career choice for Jane. Believing her living room wall demanded a rectangular shape with the long edge on the horizontal, she hung a painting sideways, so that the matador appeared to be fighting an imaginary bull on the ceiling.

An artist friend

I’m glad she speaks in a more down-to-earth manner than she writes: “An aesthetically charged musing on habitation where childhood ideals of fluid, fulsome domesticity are translated into the virtual realm, a seductive dystopia of fleeting presences processed in accordance with unrelenting and incomprehensible rules.”

Tasha

Dave, an Australian Adonis, saw her silhouetted against a Balinese sunset and declared her the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Their travels ended in the blazing mystery of an African dusk. Leonard was the chosen one in the debate over practicality versus poetry.

Sheila

My cousin Sheila hoards family heirlooms, making her either a sentimentalist or very business savvy. Four large buffets make navigating the house a challenge. Banging her shin for the umpteenth time, Sheila’s mother screams in frustration: “Why can’t you collect something less intrusive, like stamps?”

Uncle Bob

Uncle Bob is not one to forgive and forget. Twenty some-odd years ago, while in Oaxaca, he got food poisoning. When I visited him in Arizona last year he ignored my pleas and whizzed by all the Mexican restaurants, making a beeline for Denny’s instead.

Ralph and his short shorts

The answer to “Who wears short shorts?” is a resounding “Ralph!” I’m not sure I would have enjoyed the sight even if Ralph had been, say, Liam Neeson. The shorts were too short, too white, too tight, too obscene. Craig’s socks were far more alluring.

My mom's mother (well, actually my mom's mother's pantry)

I loved those long-ago summers when we visited my grandmother’s place. Closeted in her walk-in pantry, almost the size of a small bedroom and smelling of wood and cookies, I explored shelves full of preserves and other goods that appeared so exotic to suburban eyes.

Craig

Viewed from eye level he dresses rather conservatively, until one’s eyes hone in (this doesn’t take very long) on pink, purple or yellow knee sock(it to me baby)s. Perhaps he imagines these give him a reproductive advantage, similar to the bright plumage of birds.

Bethany

Bethany attended a self-esteem workshop, where everyone had to disrobe, walk over to someone, and say what part of that person’s body they found unattractive. My self-esteem would crumple under this therapy, but Bethany said hearing that her stomach resembled a swollen watermelon really helped.

Why didn't I become a vet?

For 2 years I’ve been lugging my cat to the vet for the same problem. Each time the “consultation” involves me reminding the vet of the cat’s medical history. He then suggests more tests, and charges me $80. He probably owns a villa in Tuscany.